When You Hurt the Ones You Love

Do you want to know something unfair? Something I have truly come to detest these days? How easy it is to hurt the ones you love when you are forced down the road of grief… unwillingly… by life… kicking and screaming (and probably with some gnashing of teeth).

Grief is the worst it’s true, and when we are knee deep in it sometimes we are the worst, too.

I would love to say that I have never known that side of grief but the truth is that relationships are hard enough when grief isn’t in the mix. But add in that hot mess express, matter of fact add in two individuals both going through this poop shoot of emotions, and see what happens. Its simple Math really: 1 + 1 = 2 (if 2 was two people who are equally struggling with the emotional roller coaster that is preventing opportunity for intimate connection and being tempted at every turn to call it quits).

  • Marriages

  • Friendships

  • Relationships

Anything really that involves another person, there’s no doubt you will be tempted to walk away from it at one point or another because relationships take work. And do you know what doesn’t sound fun when juggling the full spectrum of human emotion? Working. Working doesn’t sound fun. Especially if that work involves things that you have emotional connections to – and require emotional investment - when you are emotionally spent. This kind of work, the work of exploring and explaining emotions (I would like to say communicating them but half the time it feels like I need to explain those little buggers), is exhausting but completely necessary and I would like to say to this - sometimes, not always, but sometimes I really suck at this part. I mean… “I am aware of my lack of growth in this area and am working on it.” (See how even that means more working?!)

I have hurt people that I love with words that I believe weren’t a true reflection of my own feelings but were in fact said out of hurt and desperation and exhaustion. But they were said. I said them. The hurtful words. The judge-y words. The callous words. The words that cannot be unspoken and will forever be stored in someone’s memory. I did this.

I thought that I was unlovable afterwards. Undeserving. Broken. That something was wrong with me because clearly everyone else knows how to have healthy relationships through pain while I, after having held it together for what seemed like an eternity, found the self destruct button and was ready to push. 

And then something awful and magical happened. I had a front row seat into someone else’s loss and I heard words exchanged that I had said, feelings shared that I had felt, and frustrations expressed that I had known first hand. I hated that I had to watch someone else’s undoing but it turns out that,

Grief is the thing that sucks.

It sucks the life and joy and energy right out of you, and if you aren’t careful everything else with it. 

But not because we are broken. It’s because we are human And even more than that we are hurting. I am hurting. Deeply, truly, thoroughly. And hurting people hurt people.. In fact, I would venture to say that most people who experience grief keep experiencing it through loss of relationships that cannot withstand the aftermath (friends, family members, spouses, etc). It feels almost inevitable. Which could be really discouraging if we were a people without hope. But we aren’t. God is still in the redeeming, restoring, and healing business. He is still for us and not against us, and if you don’t see Him as someone on the side lines of life cheering you on, and giving you instructions on how to grow, then my friend you have the wrong idea of my God. He is both. Both the cheerleader and the coach. The One who loves you and the One who points out where you need more work. Not to punish you, but to complete you (Philppians 1:6). 

So pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep fighting the good fight. AKA fighting for things that matter even when we feel like they don’t matter anymore. Because they do. Deep down we know that they do. 

To the family member I spewed the worst kind of word vomit all over, the kids who notice mommy yelling a little more, my poor husband who gets my constant sass… my poor husband… and a few friends who might think that I have completely disengaged due to my lack of response - I am sorry. I recognize that I have more work still to do and I am committed to it. Through thick or thin, Hell or high water. Because it’s worth it. You are worth it. Not that I have completely lost my mind or my salvation, but maybe some small part of me thought that a deserted island sounded a little too tempting for a little too long.

And to my friends wading through your own deep waters,

I pray that you would let God be the strength when you are weak, to help you heal and forgive when you feel betrayed, and to give you a fullness of joy - not just some small part of it, when you are in despair. Because He is, He can, and He will.

XOXO Sissy 

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Words of advice from an experienced grief counselor (because clearly I am no expert):

If you’re the friend or family member who is trying to be supportive while feeling a distance growing between you and the person you’re trying to help: don’t give up. Don’t take it personally, and don’t stop being there for the person who needs it. This will take a thicker skin and a tenacity that this relationship never needed before, but as much you can, remind yourself that the feedback you’re getting from the person you’re trying to help (sadness, anger, disinterest) is not about you. It’s not even about them! It’s about their grief. And right now, they can’t see beyond it. Give yourself breaks from it. Know that you don’t have to be the saint of patience and understanding at all times. But in general, try to show the griever you’re trying to help in any way you can. Validate that the grieving process can go on longer than anyone thinks it should and that no two people are going to grieve the same way. And tell them as much as you can that whenever they are ready, you are there for them.

For the griever: forgive. Forgive those who don’t understand. Forgive yourself for being forgetful, irritable or disinterested. Remember that the person trying to help is likely confused and hurting too. If they don’t grieve this loss along with you (which is unlikely that they’re not grieving too in at least some way) than know they are grieving the change they see in you, and they are grieving the change in your relationship and they are feeling powerless to do one thing to help any of it.

Read the full article here: https://www.griefincommon.com/blog/when-your-loss-is-hurting-your-relationship/

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