This year I celebrated my birthday a little different than any other year. This year I gathered my family and friends to celebrate and finally publicly share a (mostly kept) secret project that I had been working on since January. It was everything a girl could want.
Seeing friends from near and far gather in a room to celebrate - who knows what - was my absolute most favorite thing. I could have announced that I adopted a cat or changed my name - and still, these people made a way to show up. I will forever be grateful for that.
The big announcement came last. What happened first was a bunch of food, a Caption Meme contest (winners shared at the bottom!), the world’s best guessing wall (sorry folks, still not pregnant with quadruplets) a funny cat video, AND THEN the big announcement.
After a few belly laughs and a lot of crazy socks being gifted to the winners, it was time. Time to say the thing I needed to say. Time to share the thing I have been so desperate to share. And so as I sat on that stool in front of a room full of people who I knew loved me and cheer me on, I pulled out the speech that I had written for that special day and began to read.
I am not the one to read from papers. Truthfully I don’t even print out my notes when I speak but rather add a couple of post it notes in my Bible to help me along the way. But these words, every one of them were important, so I wrote them down and spoke them as intently as I had written them.
And so, those are the words that I decided to share with you today. My big “reverse” surprise.
“When I first came up with the idea to host a Reverse Surprise Party, I wondered if anyone would buy into it. Also, I wondered if I could keep something a secret for that long. From the looks of it today, I can and you did. I want to start this off by saying, thank you so much for showing up. For taking time out of your days, your weekends, to drive to the beach and spend your afternoon with me - even though most of you have no idea what any of this is about. I promise I will get to that.
January was a bit of a personal turning point for me. Not because there is anything special or terrifying about turning 33, but because it is the year that I decided that life wasn’t too full or too busy to start pursuing dreams that I have held onto for decades now. I woke up in 2019 feeling like God was finally saying that it was my turn and I decided that this would be the year that I would write down my big goals, the year that I would work hard towards them, and the year that I would see them come to pass.
That last part, that one was the hardest to settle down into my soul. Because I have driven hard towards goals before, I have started new things and put in “all of the effort” and slowly but surely one after another they fell by the wayside.
I started a girls ministry that focused on rising above culturally accepted norms to empowering them to see themselves as God created them. And it wasn’t just me, other women jumped on board throughout the journey. We had small groups and then a weekly blog and then a camping trip and then a full website and then one conference after another after another. And just when things were really beginning to breach the mere foundations of what I had envisioned for years, we transitioned out of youth ministry - moved - and felt the pressing to start new dreams leaving the old ones to be a mere cherished part of our past.
I loved those years. I loved the conversations and the comradery and the memories built. I loved the relationships formed and the over-the-top decorations. But it felt like God had pruned the dream too soon. That I never got to see it in it’s complete form. Much like the students whom we had pastored in each place for 3-4 years. I felt as though we were planting seeds and then moving on before we could see the buds really start to take root.
And that was only a small part of it. Our adoption certification for our long awaited and much anticipated little girl, ended after three years, too. Then came the permanent losses that seemed to flood in one after another after another. Between Rich’s family, my family, our friends, and my position at Cal Poly - I have personally lost ten people since August of 2016.
I would love to say that I held onto hope but there were some dark days. Some days I wondered if there was enough strength in my bones to get out of bed again. Especially with the passing of my little brother. That one, that one hurt the most. And while I can’t say that I held onto hope every moment of every day, what I can say is that I held onto faith. The faith that God was still good and at work even when our circumstances were awful at best.
And that led me to this year. The month I decided to go on the hunt for the good in the awful. To peel back layers of pain and disappointment to discover things that were lying in the shadows all along. One of the biggest treasures I found of course, was you. Your friendship, your encouragement, your resolve to “show up” especially today when many others might not know how to or how much it would mean, has been just what I needed to keep going.
It was because of you and our journey back to mental and emotional health that I can now publicly share that we are foster adoption certified in SLO County and sometime in the next year or two, God willing, we will welcome our little Shepherd girl (or girls) into our home. (wait for cheers) Sissy’s room will officially live up to its name.
And not just that, but the real icing on the cake. The biggest surprise I have yet to share publicly - the one I committed to back in January after spending decades only dreaming of - this is the one I want to tell you before complete strangers on the interwebs…
I wrote a book!
Like, an actual book. A nearly two hundred page book. A book that is sitting with the publishing agency now to begin production any day after months of writing, editing and designing.
It is about my brother’s story but really it is about the idea of the purpose that can be found in the pain. Or better said, the good that God is working for our benefit from the verse Romans 8:28. It’s called, “The Good in the Awful” and it will be available online and (fingers crossed) in stores this fall! I can’t wait to announce an official book release date and book signing event as I am working with a few venues to hopefully have them available on shelves!!!!
As exciting as this all is, I want to take a moment to thank the real behind the scenes heroes.
There is no thanking anyone without thanking God Himself first. I would have no words, no strength, no redemptive story without Him. Thank you God for being exactly who you said you always were and never leaving when I was at my absolute worst. This book, the ripple effects of these pages, is all because of You.
And to Rich, you and the boys gave me the constant encouragement I needed to not just write down this big dream but accomplish it. You offered countless pep talks accompanied with the most outlandish ideas of how this book will impact the world. It may not be a NY Times Bestseller like you said, but I know that it will bring hope to many and for that I thank you. You believed in me even when I didn’t. You’re the best.
To Stephanie, and Bethany - Thank you for talking with me about each entry and processing what each one meant. For feeling your way through the pages and giving me a place to exhale when it felt heavy. And also, catching the grammatical and story line errors that I may have missed on my own. Writing something is great, but it being received well is another story entirely. Pun intended. Because... grammar nazis.
To Jodi, for the hours you poured over this manuscript to find the mistakes in punctuation and encouraging me to reword phrases (or take them out) for clarity sake, thank you.
To my dearest friend Kim, who not just scoured the book for biblical accuracy but also offered the most beautiful and insightful thoughts afterward - traveling all the way from the valley to sit down with me to discuss how it impacted your life - thank you. I can never repay the joy that you gave back to me that day. The reminder that this was merely the start of hope being birthed in desperate hearts. Your knowledge of scripture and passion for learning, earning a Masters degree well into your adult years with a family, is one of the most inspiring things. I want to be just like you when I grow up.
And to my family, the ones whom have walked through the truly hard things with me without abandoning our family or our ability to laugh through our tears - thank you. We lost the only son, the only brother, we had but we have each other. Two sisters that are as ornery as I am and filled with kindness/compassion for others, and two parents that forge ahead each day despite crippling heartache. I applaud your strength and example of keeping Christ at the center. I know it is only with Him that we can keep going.
And last, but definitely not least, I want to thank John the only way I know how - with one last story. I got to spend one night with John. It was magical. You should read about it in the book. Which is one hundred percent a subtle plug. But during that night there was a point where my eyelids were heavy and I had all but drifted off to sleep for no more than five seconds before I heard his rasping voice asking for help. He couldn’t locate the vacuum that was intended to suck out the excess spit from his mouth and he felt like he was choking. I jumped up from the place on the floor where I had settled and immediately put the tube to his mouth. He circled his mouth a time or two before looking at me with eyes of relief and saying how thankful he was that I was there. And all I could think was how I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else. I just smiled and looked deep into his hazel eyes lined with the longest eyelashes I have ever seen, reassuring him that our family would get him through. He smirked and said that “I was good at this.” That I should be someone who takes care of people in hospitals. I mocked him with an “okay” as I often do, not knowing how to take the compliment. But as the months have trickled on I have kept those words close to my heart. It turns out I am doing just that, John. I have devoted my life to seeing the broken and hurting walk through the hard stuff with the comfort of knowing that I won’t leave them in their mess. And I have committed to bringing peace into every situation of unrest and holding onto hope even when everything that is seen is utterly hopeless. So it turns out that you were right, John. Which you would have loved to hear. This is what I am supposed to do. And I am going to spend the rest of my life doing it.
Through written words or spoken ones. Through showing up or stepping in. Whether it ends with a miracle or a funeral, for our hopes, our dreams, or our loved ones. I am in it. I will see those paralyzed by hurt or fear through. You may not have been the first but you most assuredly won’t be the last. You will, however, forever be the greatest. It was my honor to suck your spit, buddy.
This is for you.”
- XOXO Sissy
And the winners are…
