There is just something about a job well done that makes my heart leap for joy. If I were to throw away everything that didn’t spark joy, my perfectionistic tendencies wouldn’t make the list. I really, really like to get things right.
Of course, there are a hundred different gauges for what is considered right and by whom, but as a Bible-believing Christian - God’s standard for morality and holiness has always felt like home. And when we love rules as much as kids love a school holiday, there is a certain excitement around the idea of doing it all “perfectly”.
In the younger years, this was a gift. My straight-A report card affirmed all of my strivings, much like a sports team winning a team championship. Not that I ever did such a thing. Thankfully I found no meaning in physical ability because I have zero. I wish that were an understatement or a sign of modesty. It’s not. Real clutz over here.
As I became a parent, I was grateful to have children who were brilliant in their own rights. Watching them excel in different things has been so fun to watch. Watching them compete at the same things, not so much. No matter how advanced you are, if there is someone to compare your achievements to, then pride is sure to follow.
If you find yourself the one further behind, the grief we feel over not measuring up is not just an innocent “insecurity”, it is a form of pride that says we believe we should be better than we are.
And if you find yourself to be the one leading the way, pride tells you that you have earned it and deserve the place above others.
Comparison is sneaky though, did you know there was a third option?
It isn’t comparing yourself to others or others to yourself. Instead, it is the desire to state that you have done something perfectly right and attained the standard. That sounds hefty - who does that? How about this… claiming your way of eating… parenting… feeding your baby… addressing your mental health… voting… communicating… exercising… vaccinating… educating…healthcare … and on and on… is the only way or the right way to do it.
Do you know how much shame lies in reading that someone believes only homeschooling your children is the best way to educate them when you have been called to an area and a position that requires two working parents and you have a child who needs the benefits of special needs care that a public school system can offer? I do.
We don’t realize that by making ultimate statements of right/wrong, we are actually creating a standard for others to compare their lives by… and it turns out that relationships don’t survive the journey.
We have become vastly more empowered and more opinionated through our access to the World Wide Web and, in so doing, have created a curated culture of perfectionism by our own design.
But when we decide that we know how to do something perfectly, it removes the ability for others to do it differently.
And that doesn’t sound like love. God’s love. His standard.
I am not overriding the scriptures to redefine what is acceptable and not acceptable. I am not saying that only love matters because we have messed up God’s version of true love pretty severely. This is not a self-love or an only love message. I simply want to uncover the trap that we have fallen into. It’s not a new one. In fact, God gave Moses 10 commandments which were regulated into 613 different commands in the Mosaic Law but the Pharisees were able to exponentially multiply that into thousands making it an impossible task for anyone to follow.
We love saying we have not just a better way, but the best way to do something. This simply isn’t how Jesus works. Even the miracles of healing were performed in many ways.
Loving your neighbor could look like not responding to a mean text with creating a new boundary or with a soft answer that turns away wrath. Both would fit, but one might be the better way in your certain situation. You know who knows which? God. You know who doesn’t? The internet.
God’s truth is walked out in many different ways. There are guidelines and definite no-no’s but there are more ways to do it right than we are broadcasting.
Paul writes to the church in Philippi that they are examples of being “light” in the world by “[working] out [their] own salvation with fear and trembling”. That means being led by and in submission to the Good Shepherd through His written word and the wrestled word (how we come to know how it is applied through His spirit and our flesh wrestling with it). In its full context, it says:
“Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure. Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain.” (Philippians 2:12-16)
Friends, we are practitioners of God’s Word. We are not perfectors. Let’s make more room for people to work out their salvation, us included. God is big enough to let us wrestle. It’s part of the process.
We are all created equally… and very differently. And that is good news.