When is the last time you bought a car? My husband recently purchased one for me that was a beauty and the oddest thing happened... I started seeing that same car everywhere. It is like all of a sudden the Toyota Corollas were all waving back to me in solidarity like I had just joined a club that I never knew existed until I was knee deep in it.
Never mind that it may or may not have been totaled within the first month and the possible accident included another much older Toyota Corolla which was also totaled… it's fine, I'm fine, everything is fine. I have been officially kicked out of the club and on to different transportation prospects.
For now the bus, but I digress.
In this journey of grief I have often found that I am seeing loss more regularly than I ever had before. I do not know if death is happening at an exponentially increased rate or if I am just more aware of it now, but we are not alone. You are not alone. And not that I am wanting to grab a soapbox and speak on behalf of all mourning people - please no, I am not doing this - my intention here is to shed a little light on how we as family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, and humans can respond to grief. Because I have learned that there is truly no end to the diarrhea of the mouth that happens when well-meaning people try to respond to tragedy. And oh boy, have I been there.
Please don’t take this as a manifesto, or a list of offenses I have picked up along the way. These lists are simply my thoughts on how we can be better co-burden carriers to make things a little easier for those who wish to share their love and concern with those trudging through loss.
What to say to a grieving person:
1. "I am sorry for your loss."
Do not underestimate this expression. Yes it is the go-to for doctors and counselors and pastors alike, but for good reason. You are acknowledging what a person has just gone through without hyper sensationalizing it or making it of no importance. This comment is sincere and to the point. Hearing it a thousand times is better than hearing a thousand different things.
2. "You don’t have to respond…"
When someone walks through grief, they are walking around more times than not in the densest of fogs. This means that 9 times out of 10, if not more, (for those of us math wizards that means 10/10) texts, phone calls, and emails will go unanswered. By prefacing a message with “you don’t have to respond” or “please don’t feel you need to respond” you are saying that your concern is strictly for them. That you understand and want to relay your love for them without that person also carrying the weight of needing to reciprocate any attention. That your friendship is more than just give and take, but in the truly difficult times it is receiving when there is nothing left to give. Please be this friend. (BTW please don’t call. Just don’t. Talking is too much.)
3. "I love you."
Those three words can break through the loneliness that grief often subjects onto a person and allows them to feel like they can breathe again, just by being “seen” and still cherished despite feeling like a void of a person. Love speaks life back into the broken and hurting.
4. "What do you need?" (and mean it)
Now I know that this is more than just words, at least I hope, but so many may not know how to help a grieving person. Mostly because when asked a person will reply - "nothing", or "just pray". But truth be told, there are some things that make a world of difference when someone is struggling to get out of bed in the morning. So to those who offer and have the ability to follow through - thank you! You will never know the strength and relief you offer, if only for a moment.
Just a few thoughts on what you can “do” if you are interested:
Buy those grieving gift cards - To coffee, grocery stores, coffee, restaurants, pizza places that deliver, did I say coffee yet? Seriously. Gift cards meant THE WORLD to us. Just be sure to do your research and get them something that can be used near where they are!
And if you want to take it a step further, pick up coffee or a basket of non-perishable goodies (protein bars, waters, trail mix, etc) and drop it off! Don’t stay. Just don’t. Unless they ask, mustering up courage for a conversation is not something that is easy and really this is why more people don’t express their need for things to be picked up from their house or errands run or dinner to be delivered or coffee. Because more times than not it ends with a sad conversation and that is the last thing you want to do.
5. "I am praying for you." (Bonus points to include the things you are praying for and scriptures where God promises those things to us.)
This is not just cliché Christian rhetoric - or at least it shouldn’t be. We should be praying for one another both out loud and in our quiet places. Texts that expressed both that I had friends praying and specifically what they were saying on my behalf was incredible. And life giving! I can never express my appreciation for those who spoke the Word over me and over our situation. The scriptures are alive and powerful, just like it describes in Hebrews 4:12, so using them do more for a situation than we can ever do on our own. Thank you to everyone who offered a prayer on our behalf, both publicly and privately. We may not even know each others names but I can assure you that God heard every word.
I would also like to caution this with a big red flag - do not in any case, express that you are praying for a person without checking with them that it is what they are also believing God for. Just please. If they post something public and ask for prayers of healing then pray that. If they are asking for peace, pray that. If there are no specific things posted then text them that you are praying and whatever your personal feelings are, whatever things you are desiring to see in their situation, pray specifically to the Father for those.
It is incredibly painful in moments of great sadness to hear friends or read that friends are praying in a way that is not in alignment with your own prayers. Yes, a grieving person may not have the faith for miracles. And yes, sometimes their prayers seem small in comparison to the need. But responding with a one-upper or in “arrogant” faith pushes that person further away as it causes feelings like they are not a “good enough” Christian to believe for the big stuff. I could write a whole book (ok maybe a pamphlet) on how damaging this can be, especially when it is done publicly and you have unbelieving family members who gain false hope and when God doesn’t answer how it was presented are now faced with believing that God doesn’t exist, God doesn’t care, or that prayer doesn’t work.
If you are believing for a miracle and it isn’t in alignment with someone who is suffering, write it down. Write it down so you can show them when God answers - because yes, He is still alive, He does love us, and He still answers prayer. This would mean more to a person than parading your faith in front of them, even if the result was the same.
There are many more things that bring life in situations of death, but there are also some incredibly damaging words that are often shared with an already hurting person. And in an effort to prevent more insult to injury from happening, please read over these next 8 things to prepare yourself for how to best approach the loss of life with a loved one. (And please hear my heart on these, I promise we all have done it.)
What NOT to say to a grieving person
1. Nothing.
We all grew up with the “if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all”, thinking that silence was far better than negativity. And I agree. But silence is also THE WORST thing. With grief, silence from those you thought were friends is just as bad as a negative comment. I am so serious. Say something. Say the smallest of things. Just say something. Don’t go radio silent or dark or invisible when someone is dealing with loss. It hurts. So bad, it hurts.
2. "God WILL _______ ."
This goes along with what we talked about above but just a short refresher - we do not know what God WILL do. We are not fortune tellers. Yes, I do acknowledge/understand/appreciate that God gives the gift of prophecy. I love this about Him. I love this about His people. But more times than not this is not what I have witnessed walking through storms myself or with people. People have used “GOD WILL” for “I WANT” and end up doing more damage in the Lord’s name than they realize. Like I wrote above… write it down. I still believe you can have BIG faith and pray BIG prayers and hear BIG things. I just want to also express how those things can be received without damaging a person’s faith or hopeful faith.
3. "It was God’s Will."
This can be so confusing for a new believer or unbeliever as they hear that "it is God's will to heal them" and then in the next breath "it was God's will for them to pass." God was not confused. In the matter of death - death was never God’s “will”. In fact it was never in the original design and now that sin is here He is desperate for us to find salvation so that we may have eternal LIFE once and for all. Scripture says “The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance.” (2 Peter 3:9) And not just with death, but with serious illness or injury or outcome - please do not revert back to it all being “God’s will” even if you believe it to be. Some things are more about our choices than God’s will.
4. "Everything happens for a reason."
This is not scriptural. I’m sorry if you were never told or realized this. Scripturally it says that God will turn our ashes into beauty and that He will redeem ALL. The bible says “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28) The word “work” is placed in this verse for a reason, because sometimes life gives God a lot of things to work with to make things work for our benefit. It takes work. It was not a thought out poop-shoot to rain on your parade. But don’t be dismayed. God is working all the things for your benefit.
5. "God needed them more."
This one hurts so much and I could go the rest of my life without hearing it again. Everyone’s life will end in death. This is true. But God is not in a hurry and doesn’t “need” people in heaven when they are faithfully serving His purposes on this earth. He WANTS them, yes! But ours is the need.
Paul said it best when he said, “For I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayer and the supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, according to my earnest expectation and hope that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain… For I am hard-pressed between the two, having a desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better. Nevertheless to remain in the flesh is more needful for you.” (Philippians 1:19-24)
6. "What happened??"
Inquiring the story of what became the ultimate demise of a person you loved is basically the worst. Please don’t. I understand our curiosity gets the better of us, but let’s learn from the cat. Or the dog who decided to eat the cat’s poop who is now sick in my house… If the story was meant to be shared it would have been. Let the grieving person share it when they are ready.
7. "I know exactly how you feel."
I want to tread lightly here because I do not want to diminish anyone's feelings of loss as it is a universal thing. But friends, please do not take the opportunity to share your personal story of grief with a person who has newly lost someone. It does not feel encouraging. In fact, being told that someone "knows exactly how they feel" is rarely true because like the grief process, grief itself is very unique to the person. No two stories are exactly the same. The only time it is appropriate to swap stories is when a grieving person decides to attend a support group to talk through their hurt and find comradery. Very rarely does this happen right away. A person who is in mourning would rather not talk about it or only talk about their own loss. In the grief process they should be allowed to grieve how they feel they need to grieve - as long as it is not detrimental to their health or well-being. Please let them set the parameters and share their story without feeling like they have to compete with your hurt. (I would like to add that this is something I have been notorious for and only through my own loss have I learned to stay quiet and not jump in with my own experiences unless asked. I am sorry for every time I have unknowingly done this and want to spare others the same remorse.)
8. "Aren’t you over it yet?"
I'm just going to pause a moment to thank the Lord for letting me never have to personally experience this question. I know it was for their protection and my freedom from imprisonment that you have kept this from being uttered in my presence, Father. Thank you. But for the few whom have shared receiving this question, this is for you. I am sorry you ever had to hear it.
I just can’t with this and I hope you understand why because I don’t even have the emotional stability to explain. Please don’t.
Grief is not something you get over, it is something you get through.
And that loss does not magically disappear when you also magically “get over it”. In fact it is present every moment of every day. Quite literally.
- - - - -
I thank God for friends who have let me cry in the middle of perfectly normal conversations, or who have given me the freedom to say out loud that "I am not okay", but for every moment of honesty I have had ten more where I have felt the pressure to fake it. To pull myself together to be the same person that I was on May 18th, 2018 - but I am not that girl anymore. And that isn't a good or a bad thing. It's just a thing.
My name is Vanessa and I lost my brother. Grief isn't my identity, but it is my story. It has made me a more compassionate person and has caused me to love more deeply than I knew possible. I am a better human because of it... but I still wish every day that I never knew what it would take to be this "strong".
Grief is hard and those who are being asked to wade it's dark waters need our help.
- - - - -
In no way do I want anyone to feel condemned for how they may have responded in the past to someone who has lost a loved one. Because I am sure I should have stuck my foot in my mouth a few thousand times over. It is my most sincere hope that you take this and use it as a guide as this world is hurting and people are dying and God is still present in the middle of it all.
He is 100% still our comforter and our peace and our strength and our joy. He is absolutely on the throne and able to perform miracles. He is good and kind and loving - even when grief is not. Let's be the people that carry our brothers and sisters burden's in life well. Let's show the world the true example of Christ as compassionate and intentional and genuine.
Send the text.
Pray without ceasing.
Always be kind.
Someone is needing it today.