This is the part where I normally share a personal story, but honestly this is a long one folks and I don’t want to chance you not getting through it. So grab a snack - and maybe a pen and paper - this is the post we all need. And if you don’t have time to pour over it right now, which I hope you will at one point, I have a condensed list at the very end just for you.
To anyone who has a loved one that has lost someone, I want to share a few ways that you can help… even though when you ask they will say “nothing”… because they either are overwhelmed with how much there is to do and can’t pin point one thing, or they don’t want to feel like an inconvenience. Either way, I have asked some friends whom have recently lost family members and we have come up with a short list of thirteen great ways that you can prove that love is an action word!
What you can do for a grieving person...
1. Be Available and Present
When we first got the call that my brother had been in an accident, it was like the worst kind of adrenaline rush. Everything was going a mile a minute and it was hard to keep up. And then, as if all of a sudden and yet ever so slightly, time stood still. It was hard to keep track of the days as they continued rolling on despite our not leaving the hospital or finding anywhere to sleep for more than a few hours at a time. Each day felt like an eternity that would never end as we waited for any kind of news or change. The only thing that broke up the waiting game were the few close friends and family members that would pop in to join us from time to time.
Our family limited the amount of visitors we had to protect our time together and those who process differently in our little group, as it should be, but when you are trudging through dark waters and have been staring at the same people for a few days with little sleep or appetite - it doesn’t hurt to mix it up.
My favorite was looking up to see men and women in uniform coming from long shifts to sit with my father who had recently retired from the fire department. Their presence brought me back to when I was a child and we would visit my dad in the fire station. They looked strong and secure at a time when I was not, and this time was no different. Their willingness to be available and present meant the world.
And it isn’t just in a waiting room that you can offer your company - being “available” for many of the other things listed below is just as impactful. Show up to the funeral even if it is just to offer a short hug or smile across the room. Make an effort to just “be there” for all of the plans, or to make none of them, because being there is one of the best things that you can do.
(I want to share a disclaimer that each individual will vary drastically in how much they want to “people” in the midst of tragedy. Please ask ahead of time if your close friend - and I say “close” very intentionally here - would like company and put a time limit on it.)
2. Buy Gift Cards (and other items)
This was our family’s personal favorite as our mood for company would change from moment to moment (most of the time depending on the newest update that we were receiving). For everyone who bought our family a gift card - THANK YOU! Seriously, you will never know the true beauty of not having to look at your bank account to determine if you need to hit a dollar menu or can actually sit down when you want to get away for a while.
A few places that are extremely helpful for those looking to purchase a gift card: the hospital cafeteria (did you know you can buy a gift card to those?! Incredible!!!), coffee stores/restaurants near where the family is staying, gas cards or hotel vouchers for family traveling long distances, or a gift card to Target/Walmart for last minute purchases.
Bonus Idea: One firefighter who had recently lost a child dropped off a tub of necessities that became a huge help. The tub included tissues, trash bags, paper plates, napkins, plastic utensils, toilet paper, and paper towels. Everything a family might need when not wanting to wash dishes or run errands while they process their loss. Gifts of this nature are a God send because you never think of how taxing cleaning your house or cooking for your family can be until getting out of bed is an award winning achievement. Another Bonus Idea: Our family was given a teddy bear from John's place of work that meant SO MUCH to my mother, and I was personally given a necklace that reads "Hope". These are both beautiful reminders that we can carry with us through the hard days.
3. Run Errands
Despite a grieving person’s world coming to a standstill, the rest of the world does not. Bills still need to be paid, children still need to be dropped off at school, and laundry still needs to be done. Making yourself available to run around town, pick up items from their house, or wash a person’s laundry so they don’t have to “inside outside” (if you know what I mean) is a HUGE help! Even going grocery shopping for that person can mean the world. Some people want to get outside and get back to doing normal things and that is great, but for many meaningless errands is just too much.
4. Drop Off Food/Coffee
My personal response to stress, and life really, is to drink all the coffee and save the food for happier times, but this is not universal. Some people *cough Dad* prefer to slowly nervous eat their way through stress. Sometimes stopping for fast food that makes you want to vomit in the back seat, hypothetically of course. For the eaters out there, bravo for being able to take care of yourself! I’ll just take all the coffee, please.
On a serious note, we had a handful of family friends drop off food while we stayed in the hospital. Some to my family who was still in San Luis Obispo (THANK YOU FRIENDS!) and some to us in the ICU. It was a blessing all around. An extra big thank you to those who speak my love language and kept the coffee coming! Especially with the hospital vending machine spitting out something that looked and tasted like muddy poop water. My cousin had a name for it in fact, I won’t share that here.
While homemade food and beefed up sandwiches were the best tasting thing we had had all week - a few times we just couldn’t imagine eating and let some of the food go to waste. For a bonus idea you can drop off non-perishable items for families to keep around such as protein bars, trail mix, bottled waters, fruit, chips and the like. (We had one family add chocolate to their bag of goodies - you’re my people.) And one more bonus idea - freeze all the homemade things and drop it off for the person once they return home to reheat whenever they are up to eating!!! Yay for not having to cook or eating PB&J again!
5. Help Tie Up Loose Ends
While I would love to say that the loss of life is just processing grief and crying whenever and for whatever reason - the truth is that it involves a lot of work. This person occupied a room or a house, had animals, and maybe even a few unfinished business items. I HATE THIS PART.
I wish I could have jumped in to help after things were settled, but I did not. I had to drive five hours away to go back to work and left my father and sisters to do the heavy lifting. They are my heroes. They did the hard things, but thankfully they did not have to do it all alone.
For those who might not have known, my parents moved to our neck of the woods just the day before the accident and my brother intended to rent our family home. After he passed, my parents decided to move forward with putting that house on the market which meant boxing up all.the.things. and cleaning every inch of that house. Then there was the loading/unloading and driving of said boxes down to SLO. My husband sent me a picture an hour in to the packing and said that there were over thirty people from the Sacramento Fire Department there with more on their way. (Momentary pause for how much I still tear up when I acknowledge this.)
Being able to pack boxes, drive a U-Haul, clean a house, or lift heavy items are all wonderful ways you can help tie up loose ends but there are also other things that are helpful too. Some people aren’t as technology inclined and need help downloading pictures and voicemails from a phone, closing out social media accounts, or stripping a computer to resell. There is also the task of selling some items online or re-purposing items (such as making a quilt out of old clothes) that are wonderful ways to make a terrible situation a little less terrible.
6. Offer Your Services for Funeral Arrangements
There are precisely one million things to do in a short amount of time and if you have certain skills - you can help! If you are a pastor, you can offer grief counseling or offer to do the service. If you are a graphic designer, you can design the funeral program. If you are familiar with video programs, you can put together the picture montage. If you are a florist, you can offer flowers at a discounted rate. If you are a baker, you can offer bringing items to the reception (if they are having one). If you are a caterer, you can offer providing food at a discounted rate (or in our case, you can have the incredible people at IngramEatz feed our entire family at no charge - PLEASE GIVE THEM YOUR BUSINESS!). If you are a creative person, you might even offer to display the pictures in a beautiful way or help with the guest table.
There are so many ways to help - so if you are close to the family and want to pitch in instead of saying “whatever you need”, try saying “I would love to help with (insert service you can offer here), if you don’t have someone in mind already.”
7. Help Promote/Give Towards a GoFundMe or Other Fundraising Account
I cannot even begin to explain the pain that is paying for a person you loved to be cremated, or buried. Or what it feels like to get a bill for the storage unit that holds all of a person’s belongings that you can’t get to just yet. Even worse, the hospital bill for all of the efforts made to keep your loved one here just one more day. And these are just three of the many financial responsibilities that pile on during a loss. If a person shares a fundraising account, share it and give (if even $20) towards it. Everything helps.
One of my favorite examples of this type of community sharing is found in Acts 2 when it says “Now all who believed were together, and had all things in common, and sold their possessions and goods, and divided them among all, as anyone had need” (verses 44-45). Man, what it would look like to go without a few coffees or sell an old piece of furniture or something that truly requires a sacrifice because someone has a need. If at the very least, we can share a post to give others the opportunity.
8. Put Reminders in Your Phone to Reach Out Once a Week
I wish I could say that grief stops when the service ends but that is just not real life. However, for many friends after the funeral is over it is “out of sight out of mind”. A beautiful way to support a loved one is by setting a reminder to check in each week or every few weeks. Believe me, they haven't forgotten or moved on. They are still very much in the thick of it and a quick “thinking of you today and praying over you still”(or something a little longer like a special friend of mine sent a few weeks after) goes a long way. The really hard emotions don't even start until the numbness wears off and you are two to three months down the road. Of course this is also when life is back in full swing and you sound like a broken record if you say out loud that you are hurting. Because yes, we are still hurting.
If you are the encouraging or thoughtful type, this is a huge way to be a help. Because we need it. All the texts and all the prayers. (Which just so happens to be #9.) There has never been a check up text that I have regretted receiving... even if it still takes me a week to respond.
If you do decide to reach out, I want to encourage you to let someone who is grieving say the hard things. Let them be sad and not be okay without giving them instructions on how to process "correctly". Pro tip: there is no "right" way.
9. Pray for Them and Over Them
I know this made the list for words to say, but prayer is an action - and a powerful one at that. Matthew 21:21-22 says “So Jesus answered and said to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but also if you say to this mountain, ‘Be removed and be cast into the sea,’ it will be done. And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive.’” Pray for peace (Philippians 4:7), pray for comfort (Matthew 5:14), pray for provision (Philippians 4:19), pray for strength (2 Corinthians 12:9), and pray for His presence to be felt (Psalm 34:18).
Please friends, pray in your quiet places, pray when you are together, and pray over texts. Prayer can change everything.
10. Send a Card!
I have kept every note and/or card from those who both attended the funeral and those who sent cards afterwards. From time to time I will pull them out because I need to feel loved on or to remind myself of who God has given to me to be in “my corner”. I especially love the ones that share a wonderful memory of my brother or those that have scriptures all throughout them. (I once sent a card with index cards full of scriptures for a friend to put all over her house. It is a great way to surround them with hope in what feels like a hopeless situation.)
11. Offer Childcare
If I can give a standing ovation to every person who has watched my children during this season, I would. Because when I am trying to take care of things that are especially hard and heavy, I don’t always want my boys around to experience it with me. And when I am a heaping ball of a mess, it means the world to have a friend take my children to let them have fun and not have a front row seat to Mom’s grief. Not that they should be sheltered from the process of grief, I think it is important that we show our kids how to struggle with big things leaning into God for our every need, but because I don’t want Michael or Jacob to get the blunt end of a sleep-deprived, emotion-filled, grieving woman who needs Jesus in that moment (and maybe coffee, food, and a nap), I phone a friend. I want to be a good mom and sometimes being a good mom means taking a break.
12. Clean Their House
This one could go either way for some who prefer personal space but as someone who is easily embarrassed by my house being a hot mess - someone doing my dishes, or dusting my blinds, or mopping my floors sounds like the greatest act of kindness. Even taking a dog for a walk is a beautiful thing. Like I said before, when you feel like you need an award for getting out of bed there’s a chance your house will be the last thing getting any attention but it is also one of the first things that make us feel happy and safe.
13. Be a Gatekeeper
This one I save for last but it is a very important role to have. When a family is making arrangements or you are trying to have some privacy with the story surrounding a loved ones passing or you are trying to prevent a continual slew of visitors from interrupting your family time while they drop off gift cards and other items - it is vital to have a gatekeeper. Someone outside the family who everything can funnel through. Who won’t be emotional or loose-lipped but will respect the wishes of the family and love them by keeping boundaries in place. A gatekeeper is a bridge or a go between when a family is feeling especially vulnerable and is needing to feel protected. I love the gatekeepers.
If you feel up to the task, up to being strong when even the strongest feel weak, offer to do this.
- - - - - -
To anyone who has made it to the end, thank you. Thank you for attempting to find out how you have done in the past with helping a loved one and discovering what more you can do in the future. Thank you for recognizing the importance of going above and beyond in a culture that often leaves the hurting to fend for themselves because there is already so much to be done. Thank you for being a friend that understands that someone is hurting and it may take them light years to express their appreciation or return the favor but it doesn't mean that your kindness was not seen or felt. The world could use a few more of you.
And to the one who is grieving who is reading this right now, I pray that you would have many more of these kinds of friends. That you would feel surrounded and loved and supported, so that one day you can help someone else walk dark roads. No one escapes grief. We are all going to experience it in one way or another. Just hold on. With God, and with each other, we will get through this.
- - - - - -
As promised, here is the list of thirteen things written in a timeline for those of us who need to know what we can do right now for someone we love in whatever stage they are in:
What you can DO for a grieving person (the condensed version):
While a person has a loved one is in the hospital…
1. Be Available and Present
2. Buy Gift Cards (and other items)
3. Run Errands
4. Drop Off Food/Coffee
5. Help Promote/Give Towards a GoFundMe or Other Fundraising Account
6. Pray for Them and Over Them
7. Send a Card!
8. Offer Childcare
9. Clean Their House
10. Be a Gatekeeper
Immediately after a person loses a loved one…
1. Be Available and Present
2. Buy Gift Cards (and other items)
3. Run Errands
4. Drop Off Food/Coffee
5. Help Tie Up Loose Ends
6. Offer Your Services for Funeral Arrangements
7. Help Promote/Give Towards a GoFundMe or Other Fundraising Account
8. Pray for Them and Over Them
9. Send a Card!
10. Offer Childcare
11. Clean Their House
12. Be a Gatekeeper
A few weeks after someone’s loved one has passed…
1. Be Available and Present
2. Buy Gift Cards (and other items)
3. Run Errands
4. Drop Off Food/Coffee
5. Help Tie Up Loose Ends
6. Help Promote/Give Towards a GoFundMe or Other Fundraising Account
7. Put Reminders in Your Phone to Reach Out Once a Week
8. Pray for Them and Over Them
9. Send a Card!
10. Offer Childcare
11. Clean Their House
12. Be a Gatekeeper
Weeks/months (and maybe even years) after a loved one has passed…
1. Be Available and Present
2. Run Errands
3. Help Tie Up Loose Ends
4. Put Reminders in Your Phone to Reach Out Once a Week
5. Pray for Them and Over Them
6. Send a Card!