I asked for a lifetime and was given a month

I can remember as a young child telling my family that I didn’t want to have biological children of my own. I am not even sure how I came to the conclusion that I wanted to adopt children instead, but I remember thinking that I wanted to be a safe space for a child who didn’t have a home. It is almost ironic thinking of it now as I was just a child myself.

As the years passed by, my desire to adopt only grew.

My husband and I married in 2006 and there were many conversations of children but the idea of opening our home to the trauma of a child coming from the foster system with our very hectic schedules seemed to never fit. And then, seemingly out of nowhere, we found ourselves 11 months into our new marriage and pregnant.

We had our first son Michael and then a few years later Jacob arrived. They were everything we had always wanted but our house still felt incomplete.

Shortly after our second son was born, we found ourselves pregnant for a third time. This little miracle baby lived only a short while into the pregnancy and then passed away unexpectantly.

The grief of miscarriage only stirred up conversations again about the idea of adoption and that following year we were well on our way to being certified as a foster-adoptive home.

We started our journey with one organization, had moved in the middle of our certification and soon started with another agency to be certified in 2013. And then we waited.

For three years all we ever did was wait.

When moving to the Central Coast a few years back we made the hard decision to take a bit of a breather from our certification, keeping a room open in our home that we still affectionately called “Sissy’s Room” until we recertified within our new county in 2019. And then… more waiting.

While the rest of the world mulled over politics, public health safety, and potential economic collapse - agencies were calling all certified homes to ask for a little more help in this time. Instead of being a foster-adoptive home, we were asked to be open to being an emergency placement home (which could still leave room for the potential of adoption but much much riskier).

Rich and I spoke about it. We weren’t both on board at first. There were a lot of factors and risks but at the end of the conversation we both agreed that we had an empty room and if more children now than ever were needing a safe place - we could be that. So, despite our hesitations, we said yes.

A few shorts weeks after that phone call we received another call that would change our lives.

On May 1, 2020 we welcomed a beautiful little 4 1/2 year old girl into our lives with open arms. She was everything that I had been hoping and praying for over the years. I even commented how my house “felt full” again. And it wasn’t just our home, but my heart. My heart felt full.

There has been laughter and crying. Singing and screaming. Dancing and running. This fostering journey isn’t all rainbows and butterflies but every low point had an even more beautiful moment of joy to remind our hearts that our act of sacrifice to our schedules and our sanity, not to mention our dream of forever, was worth it.

And now, well now we have received another call. The call to bring our sweet girl into a family members home to continue the process without us. Which for her is a step in the right direction - but for my heart feels completely wrong.

We signed up for this. We said yes to this heartache.

And while I may not have known before exactly what it would feel like to love and then let go of a child that we have prayed for every night of these past 7 years, I can tell you with all certainty… I don’t regret it.

This post isn’t my traditional blog. Truth be told, it was all too much of an update to post on any social media accounts but I wanted to share our story because right now our world is hurting and in all of the ways we have linked arms and banded together to sustain for one day rebuilding our communities and our country - it is my greatest prayer that we wouldn’t forget about the children.

Mental health is at its lowest and while we are all separate and not able to show momentous acts of support for others, some of us do have the ability to open our hearts and homes to be a safe place (if even for a month) as children endure trauma of all kinds in this “unprecedented time”.

It isn’t just small businesses and our senior community that need us - the children in foster care need us, too.

We still have hope to one day welcome our own Shepherd girl into our home through the equally tragic and beautiful process of adoption, but for this one month we got to play with dolls and buy dresses and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

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May you always see yourself as beautiful and brave, sweet girl, and dream without the fear of heartache. I may have asked for a lifetime and was only given a month, but that month with you was a dream come true.

More Dark Roads - Our Pregnancy Story

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