These days have consisted of a lot of learning, growing, arguing, apologizing, crying, screaming, playing, laughing, working, cleaning, Hulu… and Zoom. Literally, so much Zoom.
And while we have all jumped in with both feet, the truth is that we are getting weary. We are just simply over it. But really, we are nowhere near over it just yet (please God, let us at least be halfway)!
With all of the new homeschool schedules, work from home accommodations, financial reconfigurations, and relearning of everything from math to the differences between Spartan and Athens culture, the truth is that we are more than just “over it”. We are overflowing with it.
It is in these long days and sleepless nights that I have found the most haunting and hurtful message being thrown around like some sort of badge of honor. The one that says, “make sure you pay attention to who is checking in on you right now.” As if we are the center of the world and everyone else needs to take notice.
No. Stop doing that.
Stop making lists of who is or who isn’t taking time away from their families, their careers, their emotional and mental personal journeys, to make sure that you are ok. Especially right now. ESPECIALLY right now. Right now when everything has changed for everyone and no one needs ANOTHER thing to be expected of them.
I say this with all of the love and candor in my heart, but when did this become a thing? Expecting others to make sure we are ok? (My favorite is the expectation to answer a text within a few minutes or a few hours of sending it. I hate technology for imposing this kind of burden on people to be constantly tethered to a phone. Look at history. This instant gratification has only killed relationships. I say let’s go back to emails, or house phones, or letters, or talking with neighbors, or VISITING A COUNTRY A FEW TIMES YOUR WHOLE LIFE TO OFFER ENCOURAGEMENT LIKE PAUL DID. Ok maybe not that far back.)
If we are to look scripturally at what it looks like to live in community, which is placed very high up on the list of importance, we can notice that it is not checking in on others via a daily text or phone call. It is an open-door relationship into their home. And it wasn’t thousands or hundreds of people… Jesus mentored and had deep community with 12. Even MySpace had a Top 8 so everyone knew their place. (Don’t throw stones, it was meant to be funny.) And never is it mentioned when Jesus is being tempted or wrestling with His future in the garden that He is “taking note of which disciple is checking in on Him”.
What is mentioned instead is Jesus checking on His disciples and advocating for Himself that He is about to go into a hard season and needs people to pray for Him. Which of course they failed… hence making the point even further that humans are sometimes - possibly most times - not that great at supporting others because hunger and exhaustion and stress and WORLD PANDEMICS and we need the constant reminders.
And that is the good news. No, that is the great news!
Humans were created to have relationship with their God and others but in that relationship they will really suck at it and need lots of grace. Both you and me.
There is in fact a whole theory on how many friendships a person can actually maintain and the number is staggeringly below what we push as success. In Dunbar’s number study the results showed that a person maxed out at being able to sustain 148 friendships on the ACQUAINTANCE level, and can only truly maintain 5 close friendships. And if you are married, congratulations you are now down to 4. And I don’t even want to know how you all are dividing family relations into those circles that he noted in his extensive research because if you are still very close with your parents, congratulations. You now get to pick two friends to really connect with.
And just pray you choose correctly and they have the gift of knowledge or prophecy in this day and age to check on you without your even asking… because there are now loads of people keeping count. Please hear me - we are all dealing with this “unprecedented” situation. I am not relating this to a personal season of pain or grief, and even then people cannot keep up with just how devastated it may have left you.
Scripturally the Bible teaches self-advocacy.
If you aren’t good - say so. If you are hurting or lonely - speak up. If you are worried that people won’t support you how you need - chances are that you are right - but share with someone anyways. Don’t expect them to know what to do or say because we are all learning and in need of grace. But if you need people, tell people. Your people. Your perfectly imperfect people.
The Holy Spirit is the only one who can be the Comforter and Counselor and Healer for our lives. And if we are not careful we will be continually disappointed if we keep looking to imperfect humans to fill holes in our lives where only a perfect God can. Talk to Him first. Tell Him first. Let Him first be your Savior, so we can be your friend. One of those 148 happy to see you but not expected to save you, friends.
Your life has been completely changed right now, so has mine. You are doing the best you can, I hear you, me too. So take a big breath, we are going to get through this. And if you have been beating yourself up for not being the hero in everyone else’s story, find freedom in Christ who already did that. It has never been your job anyway.
And to all of my friends who might have wondered if they have failed me or others, this is for you:
Please leave my text on read for a few days/weeks/months to handle your business.
Call or don’t call, we will still be friends.
And take care of yourself and your family.
I can’t wait to hear all about it when our paths cross or we see each other in the coming months.
But until then, know that I am still in your corner cheering you on. And if I have gone silent please know that I probably just stopped for a moment to learn how to add two numbers in 50 easy steps. #CommonCore
Numbers 6:24-26 “The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”’