Do you want to know something unfair? Something I have truly come to detest these days? How easy it is to hurt the ones you love when you are forced down the road of grief… unwillingly… by life… kicking and screaming (and probably with some gnashing of teeth).
My countenance was sullen that day. I had spent the weekend trekking through a familiar place that held many fantastical memories and overwhelming feelings of safety for being home for over a decade, all of which were dulled by the glaring absence of my brother who had been gone now for six months. There was no going back to normal or popping in for spontaneous visits anymore. Everything would now need to be planned to a “t” accounting for any emotional sustaining measures needed to “get through” being “there” again. Grief took this from me too, it just kept taking it seemed.
That Sunday morning was no different. I sat in the back of the church that I had grown up in, that I met Jesus in, that I went to bible college in, that I met my husband in, that I got married in, that we pastored in… and that we said our goodbye’s to my brother in. It was my first time back since that day and while I still had thousands of memories that I could pull on to put a smile on my face, the only one that I wanted to forget was the one that wouldn’t leave me.
Your life looks completely different now. Who knew that one person could change the entire world with their absence – but it has. For you. And I am so incredibly sorry for your pain.
After a few months (sometimes even a few weeks or days) the texts and phone calls stop. Friends and coworkers continue with conversations as “business as usual”, because they don’t know how to help or what to say. The gift of normalcy is offered so quickly but it offers no relief. Because nothing is normal anymore. They try, people genuinely care and want to “fix” it but there is no “fixing” this because they didn’t break you to begin with. Life did. Death did. And although everything changed in the blink of an eye, it will take months and years to navigate back to something resembling life before this dreadful news.
We sat down to eat and my brother’s brightly colored plaid socks peaked out from under his dress pants as if to say a cheery “hello”.
It was my father’s birthday and my siblings, mother, and I had surprised my dad by all meeting near where my brother worked so as to have one last family picnic before my parent’s big move to the Central Coast.
John had just started working for the Federal Defender’s Court in Sacramento and couldn’t stray too far from the office building as parking and time away for lunch was limited. When I was first planning the last minute get together, he told me to just get the girls together with my mom and dad without him because there were too many complicated factors, but I was adamant that he come.
On Monday, May 20th while staying with my brother for the one night that he was awake and able to speak, he didn’t ask a million questions, in fact he didn’t want to talk hardly at all. (He should have been sleeping but he didn’t do that either.) Instead, John asked to listen to music. Not that I blamed him. My family never left his side, which meant that he had been talked to for hours upon hours on end with no relief.
I needed the break from talking too so I smiled and obliged.
Conversations are tricky these days. Not that the words are tricky or that people are tricky… ok, maybe sometimes people are tricky… but emotions, those are the trickiest. At any given moment death is at the forefront of my mind. The loss of every moment that passes that my brother will never get to hear about. Every birthday that he will never know me “this old” as. Every funny story that he will never have the chance to laugh at. It is perpetually in front of me and while I can go whole days without crying (I have had a handful of those), more times than not those tricky tears leak out at the most inopportune time.
To anyone who has a loved one that has lost someone, I want to share a few ways that you can help… even though when you ask they will say “nothing”… because they either are overwhelmed with how much there is to do and can’t pin point one thing, or they don’t want to feel like an inconvenience. Either way, I have asked some friends whom have recently lost family members and we have come up with a short list of thirteen great ways that you can prove that love is an action word!
When is the last time you bought a car? My husband recently purchased one for me that was a beauty and the oddest thing happened (and no it wasn’t that it may or may not have been totaled within the first month - I’m okay, I’m okay, everything is okay): I saw that same car everywhere. It is like all of a sudden the Toyota Corollas were all waving back to me in solidarity like I had just joined a club that I never knew existed until I was knee deep in it.
On Tuesday evening, May 22nd, I decided to leave the hospital with my mother to get food for our family. Not that we had a huge appetite, but because it was necessary for our sanity. We hadn't felt hungry... well except for my father... and therefore many of us were thinner than usual. I joked that this was the silver lining in it all, grasping at any semblance of humor.
While walking through the parking lot, I moved my hair from under my purse strap to the other side of my shoulder... causing one of my rings to slip from my finger in the process. But this was not just any ring.
I understand that this title seems contradictory... possibly phony... or maybe coming from someone who is not processing their actual feelings about death... but I beg of you to give me a chance to explain.
Because I have a story to share with you. Actually a few stories. They are painful and intense, so if you are at all squeamish you may want to pass on this one (although I am pleading that you don't).
It happened one evening while driving along the coastline late at night that I, as I often do, pointed to the vast expanse of water and instructed my boys to "look at the ocean"! I want them to look at it as often as possible to both be grateful for the incredible place that God has allowed us to live in, and be reminded of how big our God really is. To see the beauty of what He merely spoke into existence and let the breathtaking views wash over whatever small anxieties we may be facing.
Except this time... this time it was the middle of the night and there was no telling the end of the ocean from the beginning of the sky. Everything was dark.
I never thought that this would be the blog I would write. But it is. And I am still coming to grips with that. You see, I had a plan. Me - Vanessa Shepherd - self proclaimed dreamer and founder of "living head over heels" (this thing that I have held on to now for nearly a decade), and I prided myself on it. It was attached to me, almost as a part of my identity. Well, not almost, it was part of my identity because I made it so.
Coloring books were the bees knees in this house. Until now. Now it is hours and hours of mazes which of course he goes through in one sitting and spends the rest of the week asking me to draw them out for him while he draws a few more for me. I am not saying that I don't love spending an hour figuring out how to get out of a five year old's maze that has no real way of getting through as he has yet to master the art of making one with an actual unblocked route from start to end (or "s" to "e" as he has on the paper), but I am not not saying it.
Every time I get into the car, I do the same song and dance. Not literally of course, although there have been a few good tunes I have had on repeat lately. But for the past few months… ok a lot of months… I have looked at my clock and reminded myself to subtract an hour as I never adjusted it from the Fall Back schedule.
Living Head Over Heels
Do you remember ages ago when WWJD was the thing to say?
What should I do about this problem? WWJD
What should I say to this person? WWJD
What shoes should I wear with this outfit? WWJD
The idea behind "What Would Jesus Do" is beautiful and scriptural (as we are meant to immolate Christ in every part of our lives... minus maybe the shoe thing) but the problem with this go-to slogan has always lied in the fact that few know what Jesus would do because fewer have become familiar with what Jesus did.
Yes, You Can
I am currently listening to my boys wrestle around on their bed after the 73682347923492657 time I have told them to not touch each other, look at each other, or breathe in each others general direction.
Obviously it's going well. *sips tenth cup of coffee*
What is This???
(Originally posted on our former site on 11/7/2012)
On our last date night my husband took me to one of my favorite restaurants (Mimi's Cafe). They have an amazing brunch menu that I enjoy scouring over each time despite ordering the exact same thing, but by the time we had gotten there it was time for dinner. Which meant even more scouring as I was left with no idea as to what I would order.
When No One is Cheering You On
I brushed my teeth today and it wasn't exciting. In fact, I got ready all by myself this morning and no one even told me "good job". Sometimes I just want to stay in bed all day and let the comforter embrace my coffee-less body until it is socially unacceptable to be in bed anymore. But I didn't. I got up. I showered and put on normal clothes and took care of adult things and all the while I was still daydreaming about being in that bed.